How hard is it to forgive myself?
I think it depends on how well things are going in my life.
When things are well and I am happy, it is easy to forgive past mistakes.
But when things are not well, money is tight, we are having to juggle bills around paychecks and do without and cut our spending and even cross items off the grocery list while in the grocery store because we will run short - well, then it is much harder to have rosy happy thoughts about the mistakes in my life that led us to this situation. It's hard to look at that big minimum payment on my student loan when we are struggling financially.
When I began reading Martha Beck's book The Four Day Win, I learned a lot about relaxing the body and calming the mind. But another important point she makes in the book is that trying to diet and exercise while you feel pressures in other parts of your life is like trying to meditate while sitting on a hot stove. And I am still sitting on the hot stove.
I still don't know how to fix this.